Building Boundaries
I read an article yesterday by Maria Shriver. In it she utilized a quote that referenced courageous men and women stepping forward with tenderness. It made me reflect on a conversation that I had with my co-workers last week. We had been discussing a project related to encouraging those that we support to set boundaries with those in their lives. Setting boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable. To set a boundary takes courage. None of us are perfect at setting boundaries. Especially, if our boundaries are not respected. But does this mean we stop trying and just do what others tell us to do?
This has been a struggle for many people in our system throughout their lives. If I say no over and over and that no is never taken seriously, is disrespected or ignored entirely, how long do you think it will be before I stop setting those boundaries? Even if I have been told my voice matters but in action I am shown it does not, I am most likely going to believe the latter. As they say “action speaks louder than words.”
Many people with intellectual disabilities and autism that I have met in my time working in this system are probably some of the most courageous people I have ever met. However, often their courage is not seen as courage. It may be seen as argumentativeness, “inappropriate behavior,” or stubbornness. I know for myself when I feel like I have not been heard I may get louder or on the other end of the spectrum I may shut down. So how do we encourage those we support to be courageous and tender? And what does this even mean?
People express their boundaries through a ton of different means. It may be quiet or it may be loud. But setting that boundary over and over and feeling dismissed tends to make people angry. So to help people feel that they can be courageous and tender in those moments we can start by actually listening and respecting. That doesn’t mean it is always a huge boundary but respecting a boundary is a boundary. So before providing any type of care, are we asking the person’s permission before we touch their body or provide that care? If we aren’t, we need to start. Our bodies are ours and should not be touched without permission. It may also be a boundary of asking someone to eat the dinner you made for them and the person saying “no.” Do you continue to ask over and over for them to eat this food? Maybe that sounds odd but in order for people to say no to the big things in life they must feel they have the freedom and right to say no to the little things in life.
