That’s the Power of Love!

Ok before you skip off to youtube or rewatch 1985’s Back to the Future that featured Huey Lewis’s fantastic single “The Power of Love”, I want to share some thoughts with you this Valentine’s week.

Romantic love gets a major spotlight on Valentine’s Day but let’s not forget nor underestimate the power of friendship.

Think about what having a friend means. Have you ever had someone make you smile and laugh when a moment ago you thought the world was caving in? Friends can help us cope with the dark and heavy days. Or maybe someone calls you up just to see how you are or gab for the sake of gabbing? That surprise call can make a huge difference in a person’s perspective. It can boost self-confidence and a sense of belonging to know that you are remembered, seen, and valued. Whether swapping recipes, games, stories, or laughter, friendships are proven to raise happiness and lower stress. That connectedness battles depression and certainly impacts quality of life.

People with intellectual/developmental disabilities often have trouble building friendships or struggle with a sense of isolation. In our era of surviving a pandemic, I think even more of us can understand and relate to that isolation in some degree.

Part of the good news is it’s not so much about how many friends you have. Facebook and Instagram users can testify that “friends” and followers, even by the thousands, can never fill that void or satisfy that deep down desire to connect. It’s more about the quality of the bond, of having closer, meaningful relationships.

Where do friends come from?

Friendships come in so many shapes and sizes because they are as unique as each one of us. To find the best places for you to connect, you’ll have to consider what works for you and your personality. However, here are some thoughts:

Untapped Potential – Perhaps you have a casual contact at work, day program, past classes, church, or other social gatherings. Try reconnecting with them. Maybe a conversation will lead to more conversations. You never know when a tomorrow friend could come because of today’s acquaintance.

Neighbors – When did our world get so fast paced that we forgot about community? I think we all have tunnel vision; we are looking through this tiny scope with one track minds and we never turn to the left or the right to see our neighbor next to us. I know I treat Wal-Mart trips like that – got to get in, get the cereal, get out! See nothing else! Boom. I’m back in the car and no social interaction happened. In rural Pennsylvania some of our neighbors can be spaced out far with fields and farms. But some of us live in little communities and developments. Perhaps it’s time to meet those neighbors? Maybe in warmer weather you can find a walking buddy. Or maybe someone to visit while on your walk? I’ve had some great conversations just walking my dog near my house. One neighbor while checking their mailbox was lonely and we talked a long while. Another time an elderly woman asked me to sit on her porch and she told me about the books she loaned my grandma. We discovered we had someone in common. Who are your neighbors?

Old Friends – Ok so the best of intentions sometimes end up in the procrastination bucket. Maybe you forgot to write or call a friend for months or well, years. Today could be your day to seize. Try reaching out to the person, no matter how long it’s been. The worst that can happen is they are too busy. But the best outcome is so good it can’t be measured. You might find that your friendship picks up right where you left it as if no time has gone by! That’s when you know you have a keeper.

Family – None of us chose our family. You may be rolling your eyes but for real these people you think are crazy could be built in friendships. I don’t always get to see my cousin but messages here and there remind us that we are still there for each other…and that we have the same strange sense of humor. Maybe you do/don’t want to see your family every week but dropping a card, a text, or a call can bridge the gap and make the world feel less lonely.

NEW People – Depending on your introvert/extrovert ratio this one can be tough. One thing that helps is establishing something in common. What are you interested in? Is there a club, event, activity, or class you can join around that hobby? Don’t forget virtual clubs and events – many of these can be just as interactive. Many communities have volunteer opportunities. You may meet some new acquaintances, someone that shares a similar passion for helping others.

How do I cultivate friendships?

You’re asking an introvert? Ok, here are some thoughts from my head and the friendly Mayo Clinic: www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships

I’m a firm believer in “be yourself.” You are so unique that Max Lucado wrote “if you aren’t you, we don’t get you. The world misses out.” Proudly declare like Tigger “I’m the only one!” And one has the power of love and friendship. Your one voice can make a difference. You can be that one friend that lifts that other person up. It really comes down to being a good friend yourself.

• Choose kindness. Be patient and gentle. A simple smile goes a long way. The Mayo Clinic quotes “Think of friendship as an emotional bank account. Every act of kindness and every expression of gratitude are deposits into this account, while criticism and negativity draw down the account.”

• Listen well. Let people know you care and are available. Ask about what’s going on and then pay attention to the answer. Eye contact, body language, and short summary comments help to show you get it. For example, if someone shares about their vacation two years ago, you can comment “that sounds like fun.” As you get closer your friend may share their struggles. It’s important to empathize. Take care to not advise unless they are asking as that can be touchy ground.  

• Share. Maybe you’re like me and you can ace the listening part up and down because you’re quieter. However, you have got to open your heart and share if your friendship is going to deepen. At first this means sharing the light stuff, the favorite shows, meals, and activities. Be willing to express yourself and let others glimpse the fabulous you. Friendships that grow will deepen in trust and hopefully both parties can share struggles and other matters of the heart to encourage one another. You can show your trustworthiness just by being on time and above all holding confidentiality when someone shares something with you.

• Be Available. If you always say you’re too busy for that phone or video call, you’re sending the message that you don’t value that friendship. Honestly seize your schedule and make time for people. Don’t cancel or reschedule everything your friend suggests. This says that you don’t value their ideas or spending time with them. Of course, you can’t help some things but don’t make a habit of it. Besides clearing your schedule, you also need to clear your emotions and mind. Sometimes our imaginations can get the better of us. We can become so scared we shut down, stay home, and shut off the phone. Don’t let early awkwardness or fears of what might be rob you of the friendship that really would be if you’d let it.

• Be Brave and Positive. Try being the first to offer a shared activity or time to chat. You may need to try a few suggestions. Be patient and open to gauge whether the person is genuinely interested, and they just have a difficult schedule. Some people won’t be interested but don’t burn the bridge, just give them space and let them find you in the future if things change.

• Be Cautious Online. We live in a digital society. There are more social media platforms than aisles in my local grocery store! You can certainly try these tools but exercise EXTREME caution because not everyone is honest. Social Media might be a great tool after you’ve formed a friendship to help you stay in touch between activities.

• Book Club. Finally, don’t underestimate the power of literature. You know I couldn’t end our Valentine chat without mentioning my love of stories. We host two Next Chapter Book Clubs every other Wednesday at 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. People with intellectual/developmental disabilities meet virtually over Zoom video call to read books, discuss thoughts, and end up building friendships over these pages. If this sounds right up your ally, call or e-mail to register 724-283-0990 and jshotts@MilestonePA.org.

Friendships are such a rich part of life. Don’t miss out on this treasure. Take steps today to dust off old friendships or invest in new ones. You have the power of one, the power of love!