Self-Judgement or Self-Compassion?
When you make a mistake, how do you treat yourself? When you feel unmotivated and lack direction, what do you say to yourself? Do you feel worthless when you do not reach a goal? Many people are learning to forgive themselves when things don’t go the way they wanted. They console themselves by thinking of how they can try again and do things differently.
Much research is focusing on self-compassion. Findings show those who practice self-compassion feel greater satisfaction in their life and in their relationships; plus, they are more positively motivated. Maybe the greatest benefit of self-compassion is the resilience they find in coping with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises, academic failure, and trauma.
Kristen Neff, associate professor of human development and culture at the University of Texas, defines self-compassion as “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate rather than flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.” For instance, treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is facing a difficult life challenge. You may be moved by what you observe them going through. Instead of judging your friend, you would be mindful of what they are going through and offer to help. Self-compassion works the same way. When we mindfully see and acknowledge our pain, without embellishing it, our perspective on ourselves and our circumstances are seen more objectively.
Kristin Neff outlines three components of self-compassion; mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.
Mindfulness is a key component of self-compassion. It focuses on acceptance of the experience itself. Self-compassion focuses more on caring for the sufferer. Mindfulness asks, “What am I experiencing right now?” Self-compassion asks, “What do I need right now?” Mindfulness says, “feel your pain with spacious awareness.” Self-compassion says “Be kind to yourself when you feel pain.”
Self-kindness is a second component of self-compassion. It is the ability to be warm and understanding toward yourself when you fall short of your goals, to soothe and nurture yourself when confronting pain.
The third component of self-compassion is common humanity. This is the awareness that you are not alone in your imperfection. And because everyone else makes mistakes too, it is easier to forgive yourself your own transgressions.
Most people have heard of the stress response (fight-flight-freeze). The stress response is triggered when we experience a threat to our self-concept. We are very likely to judge ourselves negatively. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination). Self-compassion is linked to the mammalian care system in our brain. Practicing self-compassion when we feel inadequate makes us feel safe and cared for. It helps to downregulate the stress response.
Self-compassion motivates like a good coach with kindness, support and understanding, not harsh judgement. A friendly and caring attitude saying to yourself, “Give it a try, I know I can do this,” or writing yourself a note or letter as you would to encourage a close friend can be your own inner coach cheering you on.
Forgiving and nurturing yourself can help you get back on track and reach goals. Even better, they set the stage for better health, better relationships, and general well-being. People who practice self-compassion were shown to have lower levels of anxiety and depression.
So may I suggest, give yourself encouragement, treat your body and mind well, practice the three components of self-compassion. Life is hard sometimes. Can you stop negative self-judgement? Practice being kind to you!
